Fighting for Family #6 - Charge it to Me

It’s such a beautiful letter. So, moving and touching. With a deep desire for so much forgiveness. Paul writes with such passion and love that he would even pay the debt in the place of the sinner. He told Philemon, “If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me” (18). Yes, like I said at the beginning, this is such a tender letter of love and a desire for reconciliation that both Philemon and Onesimus would fight for the family.

                  How can I say anything more than that? Our pastoral hearts beat with a desire that confessions would be made, forgiveness would be given, and God’s people would be restored to one another. How sweet would that be for our family here at Mount Lebanon and beyond if we would “fight for the family” and live together like this? How sweet would this be for our families at home and at work if we would “fight for the family?” If we would confess our sins to another when we have sinned against them? If we would forgive their sins when they have sinned against us (even if they don’t confess)?

                  What would that say to the community around us if we were known as the church that “fights for the family?” What if we were known as the church that, in love, confronts sin in others and among us – and then forgave it!?! What if we were known as the church that lives together like this?

                  Oh, dear people of God, “Refresh my heart in Christ” and let’s live together in love like this.

A sermon on Philemon.

Fighting for Family 5 - The Cost of Forgiveness

Many scholars, even Christian scholars, agree that forgiveness includes a wrong that is committed. One writer states that “when an individual forgives, his resentment is overcome not by restraining themselves the right to the resentment, but by making an effort to view the transgressor with understanding, kindness, and compassion, while acknowledging that he has deliberately surrendered his right to them.” In this explanation, she admits that something is owed. Another notes that forgiveness is defined as “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment and indifferent behaviour toward one who unjustly injured us.” Again, he notes that a debt is owed to the one who ultimately forgives.

The question that none of them seems to answer is: Who pays the price? If a person were truly wronged and a debt (guilt) was incurred, then who pays for that? God teaches us this very thing when we sin against him. He does not sweep our sins under the rug. He does not tell us that it is okay. He doesn’t just “forgive” it and move on. Instead, he takes guilt from us and gives it to his Son. In this way, his Son pays the price for our sins. His Son pays dearly, with his own lifeblood. This our God did for us not because we deserved it. In fact, we deserved the very opposite. It is grace from his Father’s heart that led him to this. It is something that is given to us. Yet, the question remains: Who pays the price?

The answer to the question must first be found in the cross of Jesus. Further investigation into the lived experience of these participants shows how vital and meaningful his cross is to them in their lives. They found hope, comfort, and strength in his cross. Christ paid the price. He paid the price for every sin that was ever committed against God and every sin that was or will be committed against another human being. Christ paid the price for all of them at the cross. It was a costly thing for him.

It is also a costly thing for the forgiver. Even when a form of restitution is made after a transgression, the forgiver pays a price. When I forgive my friend for failing to pay back the $500 he borrowed from me, this means I no longer ask him to pay me back. But who paid the price in this scenario? I did. I absorbed the loss of the money I loaned him. My forgiveness turned that debt into a gift to him. This is a concrete way of imagining how the forgiver pays the price. I admit that this is clear, but that in other cases, it is much harder to quantify and describe. Yet, it seems clear that forgiveness is costly. A cost is always paid, first by Christ and then by the one offering forgiveness. This is what Paul calls us to offer up to each other. Finding strength in the cost paid by Christ. And, then, paying the price of forgiveness toward those who offend against me. Ephesians 4:31-5:1

Fighting for Family 4 - Coming Clean

The process of conflict reconciliation has both a vertical and horizontal dimension. It has a vertical direction because it deals with each person’s relationship and standing with God. We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ in this vertical relationship. We have reconciliation with God because God has not counted sins against us but has, instead, counted our sins against Christ. And, instead of counting sins against us, he credits Christ’s righteousness to us. We’re good with God.

But there still remains reconciliation in my horizontal relationships. There still remains reconciliation in the relationship with the people who sinned against me. There still remains restoration in the relationship with the people against whom I have sinned.

No one understood this better than Joseph and his brothers. Try to imagine what this conflict was like and how long it lasted until their reconciliation. His brothers sinned against him when they sold him into slavery. It was seventeen years or more before he saw them again. It was even longer before they had any sense of forgiveness and reconciliation between them. It was undoubtedly painful for them. Two things had to happen to move toward forgiveness and reconciliation: Sin had to be brought out into the open and confronted. It also needed to be confessed, not just to God but to the person against whom the sin had been committed.

As we seek to learn how to work through conflict toward reconciliation, these two acts are vitally important. Sin must be gently confronted and corrected. Sin must also be confessed. As we dive into the story of Joseph and his brothers, we will deal with these two acts: Confrontation and Confession. Genesis 50:15-21.

Fighting for Family 3 - Peace During Conflict

         When conflict has happened, we often think to ourselves that something must be done for peace to be achieved, realized, and experienced. In one dimension, this is true. When we stand next to, in front of, or even just around people with whom we have had a conflict, there can’t be peace until something happens. That’s what this whole series is about: pursuing peace and reconciliation after sin has happened between two people, or even between groups of people. Sin must be confessed. Forgiveness must be given and received. Restitution and other steps to restore the relationship must be taken. Reconciliation does require work on the side of both parties. As we stand before people, something has to be done for peace to be achieved.

         This is true as we stand before people. This is also true as we stand before God. Something must be done. Something had to be done. But it was not our doing. It is not something we need to do. There is no box that we need to check. God doesn’t look at us to say, “I’ll forgive you after you…” No, the work is all God’s. The work is all Christ’s. He has done the work to forgive. We have peace with God. We stand in a position of grace and righteousness.

         Standing in this position of “recipient of grace” sets our hearts at ease as we move toward reconciliation with people after a conflict. In fact, this standing in grace is absolutely essential before we move toward the other people involved in the conflict. You are at peace with God. You have received grace from him. You are justified. Just soak this in and experience the peace that comes from this truth. Romans 5:1-5

Fighting for Family 2 - The Root of Conflict

      Often in conflict, we are quick to see the speck of sawdust in our neighbor’s eye, but slow to see the plank that is in our own eye. It’s true. We are prone to lean into the sin that our neighbors commit. He did this, or she did that. In fact, sometimes we even take it one step further - we’ll even use their sin as some way to measure our own sin. We might use their sin to justify our actions. We may use their sin to minimize our own sin. In all sorts of different ways, we are quick to pinpoint others as the cause of conflict.

       But James, the brother of Jesus, has a different answer. First, he asks the question: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” He wants to know. Why do we have such conflicts? Why do we fight like we do? He asks the question and then gives quite an unexpected answer. The root of the problem is the sinful desires that live inside of you. It’s the idols that we’ve fashioned in our hearts. It’s the price we’ll pay to keep those idols and protect them from destruction. Whether the conflict began with you or you just continued it, your idolatrous heart has played a big part in the conflict in which you are involved.

         But God made the first move to resolve the conflict. He did not just leave you to stew in your own pride and arrogance. He does not leave you to your idolatrous heart. Instead, he confronts your idolatry and sin. Then, having confronted your sin, he forgives you and raises you up from the ashes of your repentance.

         Yes, God has always made the first move in any conflict. He did that when he sought Adam and Eve in their sin and when he made the first promise about the snake-crusher. He did it when he sent his Son, Jesus, for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8).

         The first move in reconciliation is God’s coming to us to confront us with our idolatry and to reconcile us to Himself through his Son. James 4:1-10

Fighting for Family 1 - Controlled by Love

If we’re going to talk about reconciling with those who have sinned against us, we need to know who we are. It’s about our identity in Christ, as those who are loved by him. That is who we are. We are dearly loved children of God, who have been bought with the blood of Jesus.

We can’t start this series with “do it because you love ‘em,” because frankly we probably don’t love them at the moment. We may even come closer to hating and despising them during and even after the conflict. They have hurt us. We have likely also sinned against them in some way, whether by thought, word or deed. Conflict between two or more people causes pain, dislike, bitterness, hatred, fear, etc. All sorts of emotions run to the surface. Love for those with whom we are in conflict lies at the bottom of our heart if it is there at all.

That’s why we have to start here with the love of Christ constraining us, wrapping its arms around us, and controlling everything about us. We have to see that he died for us on the cross and, that there, we, with all of our sin and sinfulness, died to sin. Conflict must cause a sort of death in us. Crucifying the hatred and sin in us. Dying to sin together with Christ, so that we might also live for and with him. Rising to life together with him through his resurrection.

Spiritual growth in the area will not happen because we learn the right steps to take, but in knowing the love of God for us in Christ, in knowing in fuller, deeper, and higher ways what God has done with our sins and hearing how we are reconciled to God. He loves you dearly and deeply. This is true no matter how other people have treated you or what others have done to you. He does not count your sins against you. He has made you wholly new.

Knowing his love for us is the beginning of our journey. Who are you? You are a child of God who is loved by Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:11-21

Fighting for Family - Intro to Series

         I’ll never forget the first time I tried to preach the book of Philemon. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It is such a personal letter and so endearing. It tugs at your heartstrings every step of the way. It is not surprising to me that CS Lewis called Philemon “the most beautiful and intensely human of all of St. Paul’s epistles, full of charm and beauty.”[1] I entered Paul’s letter to Philemon because I wanted to learn from God’s Word about living together as brothers and sisters in Christ. I wanted to learn from the Word and share it with God’s people. But the Holy Spirit did something in me that I did not expect. He led me to give thanks for my brothers and sisters in Christ. He led me to find refreshment in our bond as a family of believers. He led me to repent of the way I had used and abused God’s people. He led me to refreshment in Christ and to a desire to be a refreshing stream for them. I heard Paul speak to my heart when he said to me: “Refresh my heart in Christ.”[2]

         It is no surprise that as we live together as a band of brothers and sisters in Christ, we sin against each other. I sin against you, and you sin against me. You sin against them, and they sin against you. We use and abuse each other. Sometimes unchristian people do it to us. Sometimes Christian people do it to each other. At times, we do it intentionally. At other times we do it without much thought at all. Yes, even in the church, and sometimes especially in the church, we wound each other, and conflict ensues. You have your stories, and I have mine. The story of how this pastor did that to you. The story of how that member did this to you. The story of how your spouse…your friend…your sibling…. The story of conflict might even be unfolding as you sit down to read this.

         The stories of those conflicts likely sit on some shelf in your heart. From time to time, you pull that story down, read it, and even relive it like a soldier might a battle scene. You hear the words. You feel the wounds. Your heart weeps and shakes. You want to move on and be refreshed so that your heart will stop hurting. Sometimes, you continue to live the story out. The wounds and the conflict steep in your heart like a bag of tea leaves in hot water. Except, instead of becoming a refreshing hot beverage, this has become poison for your heart. You want to forgive. You want to stop hurting, to stop hating. You want the bitterness to go away. But how? Paul’s words are for you, too: “Refresh my heart in Christ.”

         This little letter is from Pastor Paul to Philemon, his dear brother in the Lord. Paul loved Philemon. You can tell from the way he addresses him. He calls him a “dear friend and fellow worker” and “brother.”[3] Paul was writing about Onesimus, whom Paul also loved. Onesimus was formerly Philemon’s slave, but he had run away from his master. Details about the timing and the reason for the runaway are scarce. We cannot be sure about what caused the conflict, yet Paul loved Onesimus too. Onesimus, once a non-believer but now a believer in the Lord Jesus, was dear to Paul. Onesimus was Paul’s very heart.

         Paul loved them both, but they were in conflict with each other. Onesimus had wronged Philemon, and not just by running away from his master. Formerly, he had been useless to his master. Paul wanted Onesimus and Philemon to be reconciled to each other. He did not just want them to resolve the conflict; he wanted them to be reconciled to one another. He wanted their relationship to be restored. Paul was sending Onesimus back to Philemon with that singular goal in his heart. It would have certainly been better for Paul to keep Onesimus around. But far more than having useful Onesimus around, Paul desired that Onesimus and Philemon be reconciled to each other. To that end, he urged Philemon: Refresh my heart in Christ.

         I want that for you, too. I do not just want you to resolve the conflict. That is the way we most often speak about conflict. We talk about conflict resolution. We somehow want to resolve the material issues at hand. The divorcing couple wants to decide how to divide the assets and attend to their children. The wronged company or employee wants to decide how to proceed with this or that issue. We want to solve the problem. But, especially in the Church, we care less about the stuff of your life and more about the people in it. We don’t just want to resolve the conflict. We want reconciliation.[4] I want that for you. I want you to be reconciled to the people with whom you have had or are still having conflict. Moreover, I want you to be reconciled to God. I’m urging you now: Refresh my heart in Christ!

         This little work is for you, dear child of God. It is for you out of a desire that you would be reconciled with God, walk with him, and have refreshment from him. It is for you out of a desire that would be reconciled with those with whom you have had or with whom you are having conflict. I want you to walk with them again and be refreshed with them. I have seen too many people walk away from God and the church because of conflict. Sadly, I have been the cause of that more than I would like to admit. My heart yearns for you that nothing would drive you from your God or separate you from his people. Refresh my heart in Christ.

         The way toward reconciliation is hardly linear. It rarely follows a straight path. It is often up and down, forward, and then backward again. Yet at least the first time through this little work, I will encourage you to follow the path. I have tried to lay out a path toward reconciliation in an orderly way. This path toward reconciliation is not my own, but rather is God’s and has been organized carefully by Ambassadors of Reconciliation.[5] They have taken the truths of God’s Word regarding reconciliation and organized them into both vertical (relationship with God) and horizontal (relationship with people) dimensions. They offer a useful path to work in both directions. Each week of this series, we will cover one of the themes from this path.  There will be three parts to each week’s path: 1) A sermon to explore the major theme of the week. 2) Five daily devotions and Bible readings. 3) Reflection questions to take your meditation on that theme a little bit deeper. My encouragement is this: Take your time. Make it as personal as you wish. Listen to this series and read these devotions with a specific conflict in mind. See how God will move you toward reconciliation.

         What would happen if the church – if our church – were known as the place that reconciles people? What would happen if we cut off gossip at the knees and lovingly reconciled to one another in Christ? What would happen if we dug up bitterness at the roots and confessed sin to our God and to each other? What would happen if we refused to let sin and sinfulness separate us from each other and our God? What if?

         I think you can already begin to imagine what it might be like if this were to happen. Let it begin with you. Let it begin now.

[1] Kuschel, Harlyn J. The People’s Bible: Philippians, Colossians, Philemon. Milwaukee, WI: Northwestern Publishing House, 2000.

[2] Philemon 1:20.

[3] Philemon 1:1, 7, 20.

[4] In “Reconciling under the Cross,” Ted Kober explains the goals of conflict resolution as compared with conflict reconciliation: “In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of conflict. Examples include issues involving money, property, roles, structure, and so forth. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict… Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness” (emphasis authors) (20).

[5] Kober, Ted. Reconciling under the Cross: Resolving Conflict and Restoring Relationships Using the Bible. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2023. To learn more about Ambassadors of Reconciliation visit their website: https://www.aorhope.org/.

New Series: Fighting for Family

Our lives are shaped by conflict: we fight with our families and friends, struggle to get along with difficult coworkers, and feel the strain of division and disagreement in our churches. We might enjoy conflict too much or avoid it altogether, but we all want to learn more faithful, biblical ways of addressing the inevitable conflicts in our lives. This series will not just show us how but will compel and drive us toward forgiveness and reconciliation. This is a series about the fight after the fight. The fight for family. The fight toward reconciliation and restoration. This series and the accompanying devotions will give us God’s guidance and help for seeking reconciliation and wholeness in our relationships.