I’ll never forget the first time I tried to preach the book of Philemon. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It is such a personal letter and so endearing. It tugs at your heartstrings every step of the way. It is not surprising to me that CS Lewis called Philemon “the most beautiful and intensely human of all of St. Paul’s epistles, full of charm and beauty.”[1] I entered Paul’s letter to Philemon because I wanted to learn from God’s Word about living together as brothers and sisters in Christ. I wanted to learn from the Word and share it with God’s people. But the Holy Spirit did something in me that I did not expect. He led me to give thanks for my brothers and sisters in Christ. He led me to find refreshment in our bond as a family of believers. He led me to repent of the way I had used and abused God’s people. He led me to refreshment in Christ and to a desire to be a refreshing stream for them. I heard Paul speak to my heart when he said to me: “Refresh my heart in Christ.”[2]
It is no surprise that as we live together as a band of brothers and sisters in Christ, we sin against each other. I sin against you, and you sin against me. You sin against them, and they sin against you. We use and abuse each other. Sometimes unchristian people do it to us. Sometimes Christian people do it to each other. At times, we do it intentionally. At other times we do it without much thought at all. Yes, even in the church, and sometimes especially in the church, we wound each other, and conflict ensues. You have your stories, and I have mine. The story of how this pastor did that to you. The story of how that member did this to you. The story of how your spouse…your friend…your sibling…. The story of conflict might even be unfolding as you sit down to read this.
The stories of those conflicts likely sit on some shelf in your heart. From time to time, you pull that story down, read it, and even relive it like a soldier might a battle scene. You hear the words. You feel the wounds. Your heart weeps and shakes. You want to move on and be refreshed so that your heart will stop hurting. Sometimes, you continue to live the story out. The wounds and the conflict steep in your heart like a bag of tea leaves in hot water. Except, instead of becoming a refreshing hot beverage, this has become poison for your heart. You want to forgive. You want to stop hurting, to stop hating. You want the bitterness to go away. But how? Paul’s words are for you, too: “Refresh my heart in Christ.”
This little letter is from Pastor Paul to Philemon, his dear brother in the Lord. Paul loved Philemon. You can tell from the way he addresses him. He calls him a “dear friend and fellow worker” and “brother.”[3] Paul was writing about Onesimus, whom Paul also loved. Onesimus was formerly Philemon’s slave, but he had run away from his master. Details about the timing and the reason for the runaway are scarce. We cannot be sure about what caused the conflict, yet Paul loved Onesimus too. Onesimus, once a non-believer but now a believer in the Lord Jesus, was dear to Paul. Onesimus was Paul’s very heart.
Paul loved them both, but they were in conflict with each other. Onesimus had wronged Philemon, and not just by running away from his master. Formerly, he had been useless to his master. Paul wanted Onesimus and Philemon to be reconciled to each other. He did not just want them to resolve the conflict; he wanted them to be reconciled to one another. He wanted their relationship to be restored. Paul was sending Onesimus back to Philemon with that singular goal in his heart. It would have certainly been better for Paul to keep Onesimus around. But far more than having useful Onesimus around, Paul desired that Onesimus and Philemon be reconciled to each other. To that end, he urged Philemon: Refresh my heart in Christ.
I want that for you, too. I do not just want you to resolve the conflict. That is the way we most often speak about conflict. We talk about conflict resolution. We somehow want to resolve the material issues at hand. The divorcing couple wants to decide how to divide the assets and attend to their children. The wronged company or employee wants to decide how to proceed with this or that issue. We want to solve the problem. But, especially in the Church, we care less about the stuff of your life and more about the people in it. We don’t just want to resolve the conflict. We want reconciliation.[4] I want that for you. I want you to be reconciled to the people with whom you have had or are still having conflict. Moreover, I want you to be reconciled to God. I’m urging you now: Refresh my heart in Christ!
This little work is for you, dear child of God. It is for you out of a desire that you would be reconciled with God, walk with him, and have refreshment from him. It is for you out of a desire that would be reconciled with those with whom you have had or with whom you are having conflict. I want you to walk with them again and be refreshed with them. I have seen too many people walk away from God and the church because of conflict. Sadly, I have been the cause of that more than I would like to admit. My heart yearns for you that nothing would drive you from your God or separate you from his people. Refresh my heart in Christ.
The way toward reconciliation is hardly linear. It rarely follows a straight path. It is often up and down, forward, and then backward again. Yet at least the first time through this little work, I will encourage you to follow the path. I have tried to lay out a path toward reconciliation in an orderly way. This path toward reconciliation is not my own, but rather is God’s and has been organized carefully by Ambassadors of Reconciliation.[5] They have taken the truths of God’s Word regarding reconciliation and organized them into both vertical (relationship with God) and horizontal (relationship with people) dimensions. They offer a useful path to work in both directions. Each week of this series, we will cover one of the themes from this path. There will be three parts to each week’s path: 1) A sermon to explore the major theme of the week. 2) Five daily devotions and Bible readings. 3) Reflection questions to take your meditation on that theme a little bit deeper. My encouragement is this: Take your time. Make it as personal as you wish. Listen to this series and read these devotions with a specific conflict in mind. See how God will move you toward reconciliation.
What would happen if the church – if our church – were known as the place that reconciles people? What would happen if we cut off gossip at the knees and lovingly reconciled to one another in Christ? What would happen if we dug up bitterness at the roots and confessed sin to our God and to each other? What would happen if we refused to let sin and sinfulness separate us from each other and our God? What if?
I think you can already begin to imagine what it might be like if this were to happen. Let it begin with you. Let it begin now.
[1] Kuschel, Harlyn J. The People’s Bible: Philippians, Colossians, Philemon. Milwaukee, WI: Northwestern Publishing House, 2000.
[2] Philemon 1:20.
[3] Philemon 1:1, 7, 20.
[4] In “Reconciling under the Cross,” Ted Kober explains the goals of conflict resolution as compared with conflict reconciliation: “In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of conflict. Examples include issues involving money, property, roles, structure, and so forth. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict… Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness” (emphasis authors) (20).
[5] Kober, Ted. Reconciling under the Cross: Resolving Conflict and Restoring Relationships Using the Bible. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2023. To learn more about Ambassadors of Reconciliation visit their website: https://www.aorhope.org/.